Heartache and Hope

This past April, I went to a Beth Moore conference with a few of my home girls and she challenged us in the way we describe situations going on in our lives.  Things are irritating, challenging, or hard.  She said, "Ladies, we need to stop saying things are hard when really those things are irritating."

Well, the past few weeks we have experienced some hard news.  Many of you have experienced this same heartache.  I am sorry.

January 7th, 2015 is 28 weeks days away.  I know this because at the end of April we found out we were pregnant with our third child and this was the due date.  We were excited and anxious all at the same time.  The weeks leading up to the first appointment felt like years and I couldn't believe we were going to have another baby.  Wasn't my baby Jack just born?

We weren't exactly sure on the due date so we got to see our little blessing on the ultrasound at 6 weeks, 2 days.  Seeing this little miracle and his/her heartbeat on the screen put tears in my eyes and was reality that we were having a baby!  They noticed I had a subchorionic hemorrhage and that I was not to do any exercise, lifting. or anything strenuous.  I had one of these with Jack and had to take it easy for 3 weeks.  So basically I got chubby for the past 9 weeks.

Here is our sweet baby at 6 weeks, 2 days old.  

Today, I was hoping to share the exciting news that we were 12 weeks pregnant and Jack and Luke would be big brothers to this new baby coming in January.  But instead, we were at the hospital because I had to get a D and C.  At my 9 week appointment they wanted to check to see if the hemorrhage had cleared up.  This was at the beginning of June, 4 days before the we did our Jogging for Jack event at the 5K.  When the ultrasound tech checked the baby I just got this feeling that things were not looking good.  He started measuring the baby and I was looking for the flutter where we had seen the heartbeat 3 weeks earlier.  Nothing.  I could tell in the tech's hesitation that it was not good news.  After he announced that the baby no longer had a heart beat, I felt the warm tears streaming down my face.

I waited in the room for the nurse practitioner to come talk to me and just wanted to call Chris.  She came in and explained that my body would recognize that the baby is no longer living and I would miscarry in the next few weeks.

Hearing Chris' voice made me breakdown.  I explained what happened and I cried for the next few hours which later gave me the worst headache ever.  I called our family and friends and shared the news that we were no longer pregnant and that I would miscarry anytime.

Because I wasn't able to do any sort of exercise the previous three weeks, I strapped on my tennis shoes and went for a run.  I stopped, cried, ran, jogged, stopped, cried and ran more.  I came home and looked at my boys and just held each of them a little longer.  I held Chris and just was so very thankful that he is my husband.

After waiting 3 weeks for my body to naturally respond, I had to schedule the procedure to help expel the baby.  I thought I had emotionally processed all of it, but as I was filling out the forms this morning I came across the document that asked what we wanted to do with the baby after the procedure.  Ugh.  My baby, what do I want to do with my baby?  We chose the option that is offered to everyone that goes through this process.   They take the babies and honor their lives by burying them in a special spot with other sweet babies that didn't make it to birth.  Our hearts are so heavy and many, many of you reading this have gone through this heartache and lost a sweet baby or babies.  I am so sorry for your loss.

There was a moment that brought me back to Jack's birth and delivery.  I had to be sedated and having the oxygen mask on me and as they extended my arms out to the side all I could think about is that evening on March 25, 2013.

I woke up about an hour later.  I never respond well to sedation and medication and was very nauseous. I threw up numerous times and after about an hour, Chris and I were able to head home.

This experience was painful, heartbreaking.  From the pain of loss, the frustration that my body wouldn't respond, the patience each day, the reminder that I am carrying my child in my womb that will not make it to birth.  But through this, God continues to show His faithfulness, His comfort, His love, and His goodness.

I am thankful my doctor could be there, to give me comfort, and to share in the grief.  I am thankful for my husband who constantly challenges me to trust in all circumstances.  I am thankful for my boys who are miracles, like each and everyone one of us.  I am thankful for our families and friends that share in our grief and give us encouragement and strength.

My friend called me the day we found out that our baby had passed away and she shared this from Jesus Calling:

Welcome challenging times as opportunities to trust Me.  You have Me beside you and My Spirit within you, no set of circumstances is too much for you to handle.  When the path before you is dotted with difficulties, beware of measuring your strength against those challenges.  That calculation is certain to riddle you with anxiety.  Without Me, you wouldn't make it past the first hurdle!

The way to walk through demanding days is to grip My hand tightly and stay in close communication with Me.  Let your thoughts and spoken words be richly flavored with trust and faithfulness.  Regardless of the day's problems, I can keep you in perfect Peace as you stay close to Me.

I am thankful for the HOPE I get in God's promises.

God, I walk hand in hand with You as You give us strength for this climb.